Five Months in the wrong Direction

Hi Friends,

I decided to come back for a little minute to share my experiences of being home. I can't believe that my last blog post was nearly five months ago...but those are the facts. I've been home for nearly 5 months.

The weird part, to me, isn't that I've been home for almost five months, per say. The weird part is that I would have been hitting my 8 month mark pretty soon. And yet, I'll always be a greenie. And guess what?

This hurts.

It has never stopped hurting.

I know, no one wants to hear that, no one really wants to know. But that's the truth of the matter, it will always be one of the most painful and difficult things I have experienced. I still struggle to even talk about it. You would think that, after all this time, I would at least be able to tell people.

But I still can't.

I suppose I'm still ashamed.

Here at BYU-I, the topic is almost unavoidable, as everyone and their mother likes to talk about their missions. Especially if you are a girl, I swear.

I never lie about it, though.

I'm just very good at circumnavigating.

But then the pain starts all over again, and the person asking about my mission has no idea how bad it is hurting me.

Why does it hurt so much?

Still?

This has not been an easy journey. I don't even expect it to get easier. How could it?

I still question, (multiple times a week, probably,) why this happened.

I still blame myself.

I still feel like burying myself in a hole and never coming out.

I still feel like I am a failure.

I still feel like I have lost my sense of purpose and have lost my way completely.

Still.

I don't think this will ever go away.

Because how is a person expected to go from knowing so firmly that a mission was the correct path, and knowing exactly what their purpose was as a missionary, to suddenly being home with no clear purpose anymore,  and just get over that?

They can't.

I can't.

But I try so hard.

On the morning of May 14, the first morning of being back, I pulled out my makeup to get ready for the day. (I got up, even though I wanted to stay hidden in my bed for all eternity. That took every ounce of me.) However, I pulled out my makeup, only to find that it was all broken. It had all broken on the flight back from Thailand.

It was exactly like me.

Broken.

It was more than I could handle.

I started sobbing right then and there, heaving on the bathroom floor.

I think about that morning more often than I should. I will never forget how it feels to be broken by something so simple as a twenty-something hour plane ride home from Thailand. 

However, there is a difference between me and the makeup: it ended up in the trash, not even salvageable.

But I will not give up like that.

I have wavered a lot, I have not been as diligent as I know I need to be, I have questioned a lot of things.

But even though I sometimes feel broken, I have never stopped trying.

This all sounds so dramatic. I want to just re-read this all and laugh at it and erase the soap opera that I just wrote.

But I can't, because every single word that I have written is exactly how it is for me. Its all true. I'm sure its different for others in different situations. But for me, in my situation, and for the many others like me, this is what we go through. I am not writing this to gain any sympathy, because that is the last thing I want. In fact, it might even cause a shift in some relationship dynamics.

However, I felt that this was important to share.

Missionaries need support, even when returning home.

I might even say more so when returning home.

Especially if its early.

In fact, the reason I've even gotten this far is attributed to three very important things:

1. A good support system

      I will brag and say that I absolutely have the best. My parents, my friends in Thailand still, and my friends here. They love me, even when I feel like I don't deserve it. They lift me up, kick me into shape, and keep me going.

2. Continued prayer and scripture study

      I will admit, I have not been the best at this. For the first several months (and still periodically) I received daily text message reminders to read my scriptures. I'm beyond grateful for those reminders. Sometimes- a lot of times- it is hard to find the desire to even read a verse, or even open up the Book of Mormon. But at this time in my life, I need it the most. At this point, when my faith is so vulnerable, I have needed those reminders to not let it crumble, but to keep drawing myself closer to God through the scriptures and constant prayer. I have felt a significant difference between the days I don't read and pray, and the days I do. I can get through a day much easier when I continually strive to have my foundation built on Christ.

3. The Atonement

      Jesus Christ has felt my pain. Even when sometimes it is so unbearable that I can't imagine anyone has ever felt anything so painful, Christ has. I know He has, because I've felt His peace and comfort when I cry out and ask (sometimes beg) for it. He is always there. He will not leave me comfortless. I can do all things through Christ. Even get through a bad day.

So now you know. Now you know that coming home early from a mission is the hardest thing you will experience to-date. Now you know how fragile I am. Now you know how many early-release missionaries feel.

Most importantly, now you know how we get through it. Heavenly Father knew that we would all feel broken sometimes. Jesus Christ knew it, too. So Christ willingly came to this earth and experienced every.single. bit of our brokenness. All of it. No matter how bad it feels, He has felt it too, so we don't have to be alone. We are never deserted, even if it feels that way. Scripture study, prayer, the atonement- all for our benefit. So we don't have to feel broken forever.

Thank you to all of you who have been there giving me your love and support. I need it and appreciate it more than you know! Its helping, and I am doing much better than I was five months ago, I think. You all are the best. :)