One year ago, I felt like I was at rock bottom.
One year ago, I suffered through the jaded looks, the questioning stares, and the tactless comments.
One year ago, I didn't know who I was, what I was doing, or where I was going.
One year ago, I was suffering with the worst depression I have ever faced in my life.
One year ago, I came home from my mission.
Thanks Facebook, but I still remember.
The feelings that I felt-and sometimes continue to feel- are unforgettable. I still remember everything so vividly, as if it had all happened yesterday. It's still so fresh and so raw, even though it was a year ago. Some things are just harder to find closure on.
It seems silly, like something that should be easily moved on from. But in reality, this wasn't a middle school break-up. This was so much more.
This was more like... like imagine you are afraid of water, but you decide to get on a yacht. You feel a little seasick, but you ignore it and start to get used to the feeling. You are pretty tense on the yacht, because you are afraid of water, but you're finally starting to believe that the yacht is safe, and is going to keep you out of the water.
But then, when you are in the middle of the ocean, the yacht sinks. And you can't swim. And everyone around you is swimming, and in those little life boats, but you are just sinking, deeper and deeper, surrounded by nothing but water, for miles and miles.
That doesn't even begin to describe what it feels like to me.
To be perfectly honest, I was sinking deeper and deeper into the water for a very long time. There were times when I felt for certain that I was going to drown, and that I was going to die. Literally. I have known people who felt the same way that I felt. I have known other missionaries who have returned early, and many physically cannot handle the pain. One missionary in particular, three years after returning home early, took his own life because of the pain, the guilt, and the other lingering affects. Three years later, folks. Clearly there is something deeper that maybe we do not understand.
But just because we don't understand something, doesn't mean that it isn't important and doesn't need to be addressed. Just because we don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't real.
This past year has shown me pain, confusion, guilt, and depression deeper than anything I have ever before felt. It has shown me that sometimes I am weak, and sometimes I am fragile. Sometimes I feel broken, and often insecure. This past year I have learned what it feels like to be at an emotional rock bottom, and to feel like there is nothing that can save me.
I have learned that this kind of pain is real; for me, and for so many others.
Because this past year has also shown me that I am not the only one who has ever suffered. I am not the only one who feels weak, who feels insecure and broken.
That is the kicker. I can sit here telling you about the pain I felt for days on end, but we have all felt pain. We have all felt some kind of sorrow, confusion, guilt, or overall unpleasantness. I am not special in feeling this way, because we are all given trials. Some trials seem far beyond our capabilities. I can't say that I understand everyone's trials, because I absolutely do not. But I know someone who does.
Along with the struggles, this past year has also helped me understand the enabling power of the Atonement, and how I can always be brought back up from rock bottom if I turn TO the Savior, not away from Him. The Savior is the only one who can understand exactly how I feel. He is the only one who has felt the amount and depth of pain that I have felt. He is the only one who can help me through my trial, because He is the only one who knows perfectly what I am going through and how to get me out. That goes for every.single.person in the world.
There are so many trials that people experience that are downplayed or overlooked. So many things that people go through that we do not understand. But God knows what we can handle. He gives every one different trials to face, and we may never know the depth of someone else's experiences. But one thing can be said for certain: kindness, charity, service, and Christlike love go a long way. Imagine how much easier trials might be if we were all just a little kinder, a little more thoughtful, and a little more patient with others.
We have so much power in our actions and our words.
Christ can help us overcome our trials; we can help make every day a little easier for someone else.
Just because we don't understand what they are going through, doesn't mean it isn't real.
Keep on smiling, folks. All the paint that is thrown at you will eventually wash off.
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